You will understand the meaning of the picture at the end of my post.
As I sit here staring at my computer this afternoon, my heart is heavy. My heart goes out to our dear friend Ann. I remember just a few short week ago, when Dad was living, how she and so many others where there for me. Now I, and others, are there for her.
A year ago, I didn't know any of ya'll. Then in January, I jumped on board over at AI and made the most wonderful group friends anyone can ever ask for. Ya'll show the true meaning of friendship! Ya'll have been there through my ventings and the sickness of Dad and for that I say "THANK YOU".
When my older brother passed away in 1999, my best friend for the last 25 years, gave me a poem. A truly inspirational poem. One that I read very often. One that reminds that that the Lord is there with us when times are bad and that he will never leave us. One that reminds me that the Lord does not put anymore on us than we can handle. I know that it's hard sometimes to remember that, but it's so very true.
So today, I'm leaving you with a poem....
Footprints in the Sand
written by Mary Stevenson
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path ofhis life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
"The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering,when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
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- Name: Lee Ann aka Dixie
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I'm a 40 something single mother of 2 - Matt, a United States Marine, who is married to the most beautiful girl in the world, Ashley and Kaitlin 14 going on 21, need I say more... two grandchildren, Tyler and Jordyn who is the applie of Mimi's eye... I have the most wonderful man in my life right now. Tony is my true soulmate. I am so happy with my life.... it can't get any better than this!
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Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
|There is a Baseball God in Heaven!!!! |
and some other ramblings (because I have NO IDEA what to write about today) ....
THANK. YOU. BASEBALL.GODS!!!!!
There is a baseball god in heaven!!!!!! wooooooooooooooooooo
FINALLY, FINALLY!!!!! My St. Louis Cardinal's Magic Number is 4!!!!!
(and thank you Bond, my snugglebritches, for the snipet... I think it was meant to be ;-) )
Ok, everyone join in with me and let's sing Happy Birthday to Mary..... *clears throat and sings* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU..... HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MARYYYYYYYYYY.....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!!
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."
Well, I'm off work tomorrow and so is Tony.... ;-) Yep...kidos leave for school at 7:30 and then it's ADULT TIME!!!!! WOOOOOOO... Maybe I will post tomorrow.... maybe not.... who knows.... we will see.... LMOO
::HUGS, SLOPPY WET SMOOCHES & GROPES::
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
|Old Saying - - -|
Like a very wise man, my Daddy, always use to say "What Goes Around, Comes Around." No truer words have ever been spoken.
Ok, so let's back up a few years..........
In October of 2001, I found out that my husband was having an affair. How did I find this out you may ask, well I will tell you. We were in Talladega at the races when his phone rings. He answers it, begins to talk to the person on the other end and I ask him "Who are you talking to? His reply was "Carolyn". Now I had heard him talk of this woman before, but NEVER in a million years would I have EVER expected what I later found out. I took the phone from his hand and jokingly said "I figured it was his girlfriend calling"... her response to me was "Well, your taking it well." Yes this is what the woman said to me.... I was stunned, speechless, highly upset to say the least. The night went on, I got tee totally drunk. So drunk, that at one point I was screaming at the dumb ass, picked up a full can of beer and smacked him up side his head. (he deserved it!) I lived with the dumb ass for 11 months afterwards.....he left and went to the "love of his life" in November 2002. When he left me, I was recovering form ACL surgery, had not worked in over a month and had $3 in my pocket. The mortgage was 2 1/2 months behind, the jeep payment was 2 months behind, no utilities had been paid, and there were no groceries in the house. Now remember, we have 2 kids... and yes he left us just like that! I lost every material posession. We were divorced in February of 2003.
Fast forward to present time!!!!
The "Love of his life" kicked him out.... he wouldn't leave her alone, so she put an order of protection again him.... he still wouldn't leave her alone so she pressed stalking charges on him. He was arrested, put in jail, and found guilty of stalking! (He is Police Officer, so you would think he would know better... HE'S NOT ABOVE THE LAW!!!!!)
So.... the dumbass lost his job, had to move back home with Momma, lost his truck, lost the love of his life and is in arrears on child support. When he lost his job, he didn't have the money to pay child support so instead of going out and finding a job, he just sits on his ass... takes a part-time job, has a 1 hour commute, for $7.25 hr.... NOBODY and I mean NOBODY can live on that. I was pressuring him about every day for some child support. His exact words to me was "You can take the child support and stick it up your ass!" Right then and there, I called the state and turned it over to them. Our first court date was August 7.... he didn't show....
Well.... he called last night... SCREAMING at me (what else is new) that he had a Contempt of Court Warrant with a $500 bond... "did I know anything about this?" No, I said... I knew NOTHING what so ever!!! What do you think... of course I knew... I was there... I told the judge where he was living! Our next court date is October.... ummmmm... I wonder if he will show??????
Although I lost all material posessions... I am NOW so blissfully happy with the most wonderful man in the world... my true soul mate.... We have a cute little house, (I inherited from my grandfather, so we have no mortgage or rent!!!! OH YEAH!!!!) the kids are happy and I'm driving a car my honey bunny bought for me... (I had no idea he was doing it... he brought it to me and said I love you....) Me or my kids NEVER want for anything.
I am a firm believer in trying to do good by everyone that crosses my path. I know that Bond mentioned a few weeks ago to Pay It Forward.
So.... like what has always been preached to me by the very wise man .... "what goes around, comes around".... He's getting his!
And your funny for the day goes a little like this - - -
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes,starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocker."
::HUGS, WET SLOOPY SMOOCHES & GROPES::
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
|Outrage and Happy Thoughts!|
Was not for sure what I should call my blog today as I have so many things that I want to write about today.
First of all, let me start out by saying that I am TOTALLY outraged at what I heard on the news this morning. JOHN MARK KARR - could possibly get ONLY probation. This would mean that this JERK will WALK FREE! This IDIOT who had confessed and had everyone believing that he murdered a beautiful child, JonBenet Ramsey. Was treated like royalty while being flown back to the United States only to find out that he LIED. No possible way. Then... was sent to California to face child pornography charges.. only to get probation.... This just makes my blood boil! Not only should this man face stiff penalities for child pornography, he should be charged with filing a false police report. He should have to pay for his "Royal" treatment that he received when brought back to the states from Bangkok. This man should in NO WAY be allowed to ever walk the streets AGAIN! This man only deserves a nice pair of "Cement Shoes"....... I'm calling Bruno!!!!! *searches through address book for number*
Secondly, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF GETTING SPAM E-MAIL. Just this morning I have already reported 3 e-mails as Spam to Yahoo. When will these people EVER learn! Example:
I am Dr.Gary Ashmores a Manager with First AtlanticBank Plc hereIn Lagos Nigeria, I am also a formertrustee to one of our Late Customer, an AmericanBusiness Man (MR.ANTHONY HAMILL).I have urgent and very confidential businessproposition for you.I got your contact from theNigerian Business/Chamber of Commerce and Industry.In January 2003, an American Business ma(MR.ANTHONYHAMILL) made a numbered-time (fixed) deposit for twelve calendar months valued at US$18,700,000.00 (EighteenMillion Seven hundred thousand US Dollars)in a Domiciliary Account in my branch. Upon maturity,I sent a routine notification of Account Status to his forwarding address but got no reply. blah, blah, blah... then the last paragraph goes like this.....
Consequent upon the above, my proposal is that I wouldlike You as a foreigner to stand in as the Next-of-kinto the Late MR ANTHONY HAMILL. I will quickly work outthe full documentation and Transfer the US$18.7mintoyour nominated account any where. You would be Fullyrewarded when the money has been transferred to anyof your Nominated bank account of your choice.Send me your reply to this request by my email address: email@example.com,andI shall give you moredetails promptly. ***PLEASE KEEP ALL COMMUNICATIONSECRET****Best Regards,Dr.Gary Ashmores,Manager First Atlantic Bank Plc,Lagos-Nigeria.
What makes these people to stupid shit like this. I get 3 or 4 e-mails a day... all to the same effect only difference is the names and where they live.... I'M SICK OF THIS! If this IDIOT thinks I'm going to give him MY personal information "HE/SHE" is so sady mistaken. Is there not anything we can do about these people trying to steal honest hard working American's identity and get them into a scam? Geez!!!!!!!!
Now that I'm finished with rantings, on to more "Happy Thoughts"
I read this morning that Dana is giving up on Taylor ever calling her. Dana and Bessie are now giving enemas????? Whaaaa????? Travis has officially "Man Thudded" over Vivica Fox. Our sweet Angell Baby has now jumped on the blog bandwagon. She claims that it's contagious. Well she is right..... ;-) Her blog is http://angellz-secrets.blogspot.com I will add a link as well.
I took this quiz this morning - for women only - "What movie star are you"... well come to find out, I'm The Princess of Monoco - Grace Kelly. I couldn't think of a more beautiful woman that I would like to be.
LET'S SHOP AT SEARS!
Good to know, and It's True...This was sent to me by a very trustworthy friend, but I still checked at Snopes.com before I sent it on
I assume you have all seen the reports about how Sears is treating its reservist employees who are called up? By law, they are required to hold their jobs open and available, but nothing more. Usually, people take a big pay cut and lose benefits as a result of being called up. Sears is voluntarily paying the difference in salaries and maintaining all benefits, including medical insurance and bonus programs, for all employees involved in serving their country (either in the Reserves or the National Guard) by guaranteeing the continuance of their civilian pay (for up to 60 months) and allowing continued participation in life insurance, medical and dental programs. I submit that Sears is an exemplary corporate citizen and should be recognized for its contribution. When you shop at Sears, be sure to find a manager to tell them why you are there so the company gets the positive reinforcement it well deserves. Sears needs to be recognized for this outstanding contribution and we need to show them, as Americans, we do appreciate what they are doing for our military.
And finally, I must leave you on a more serious note. I had tears rolling from this one -
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
I KNOW YOU SMILED!!!!!
Monday, September 18, 2006
IN THE NEWS TODAY
I must flip back a day or two in the world of college football!
Let's start with the biggest surprise to me - UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY!!!!! WOOOO HOOOO... They actually beat Ole Miss..... I was speechless when I heard this. Oh how I am wishing they beat Florida this weekend. But it's definately going to be hard one especially since they are traveling to "The Swamp"..... You know my two favorite teams are THE UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE and WHOEVER PLAYS FLORIDA!!!!!! GO CATS GO!!!!
Now on to my favorite team - UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS! GO VOLS! WOOOOO HOOOOOO...... Although I didn't get to watch the game Saturday night, as we were having a blast at the fair, I was surprised to see that Florida only beat us by one point. I do not know the complete story.. so I'm not going to elaborate.
Must state rather quickly that the St. Louis Cardinal's Magic Number now is "7" for those of you who are interested. You know who you are..... ;-)
AHOY MATEY - Today is "Talk Like a Pirate Day... to update your pirate talk, I have found this website : http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE!!!
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up
AND FINALLY IN HONOR OF STUPID PEOPLE!
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.)
"Do not iron clothes on body."(I have a friend that did iron a blouse while she had it on)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (..I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...
****Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light*****
Love ya'll more than Anndi loves her luggage and remember -----
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. Life is LIKE a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today many burn your ass tomorrow!
I really, really hate Mondays! Especially when they are rainy, dreary, yucky, and cool! Today has not started out good. I sure hope it gets better!
After my morning meeting, my phone rings and it's Matt.... "MOM... I'VE HYDRAPLANED... CALL ME." Well, come to find out, he was headed to school and he hydraplaned in the same spot that I did about 15 years ago. With as much rain as we've had last night and this morning, I can see it happening. He's ok... didn't really do much damage to his truck.... it did bust the break line, but I told him to go home and not worry about school today. Called the school and they agreed with me. Thank God!
I get a call from the school nurse at the elementary school where Kaitlin goes. "Ms. Caffrey, this is the school nurse, Kaitlin has come to the office with a pencil led stuck in her knee. I have cleaned it, but we are not allowed to try and get it out." Ok, I say, I'll get it out when I get home. Just put a bandaid on it. She'll be just fine!
What else can go wrong today???? Ooops... I better not say that!!!!!
Still trying to re-coup from the fair experience Saturday night.
I realized Saturday night that I'm not as young as I use to be. Haven't been on a ride in YEARS! Well, Tony and I decided that we would ride 2 rides. We had already decided what 2 rides we wanted to ride so we bought the tickets and headed for the first ride. The first ride was 1001 Nachts... you get in this box type thing and lock yourself in. As the ride starts, it slings you from right to left and then you go really high up in the air all the time you are being slung from side to side. It was really fun. Tony and I laughed the entire ride. The next ride was a Pirate Ship type thing. We sat in the back and this ride, once again, goes high in the air as you are sailing... Fun Fun!!!! After we rode those 2 rides, we had 4 tickets left over and "I" wanted to ride this ride called "Freak Out".... well... I really should have listened to my inner self, but I didn't. I get on this ride, have a hell of a time getting into the seat because there is a fiberglass thingy sticking up and it's really hard to get over this thing without it sticking up butt. No, I didn't get a thrill..... so I FINALLY get over this hump thing and pull the bar over my shoulders. The Carnys' have a hell of a time getting my bar to lock... didn't help that my size DD boobs were in the way. Should have known this was another sign that I shouldn't be on this ride... still not listening to my inner self.... the light finally comes on that my bar is locked. The whole time I'm saying to a young man sitting next to me, "I've riden worse rides than this before at Six Flags." Well, the bottom of the ride drops and this thing starts going up in the air. As this thing starts going up in the air, it starts to swing like a pendelum. As it is swinging it is slinging you and the next thing I know we are upside down, swinging like a pendelum. I. SHOULD. HAVE. LISTENED. TO. MY. INNER. SELF!!!!!! You know, I would have been ok, but the not knowing for sure if my bar was securly locked was still in my mind. I was so relieved when the ride finally came to a stop. I didn't fall out, I didn't throw up, but I did realize that I'M NOT AS YOUNG AS I USE TO BE.......
Oh the fair food was wonderful! Thank god these things only come around once a year!
Once again, I'm going to leave you with some funnies:
FOUR CATHOLIC MOTHERS
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing howwonderful their children were. The first mother told her friends, ""My son is a priest. When he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father' "".
The second Catholic woman chirped, ""Well, my son is abishop. Whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace' "".
The third Catholic woman said smugly. ""Well, not to putyou down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room people say 'YourEminence' "".
The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The first three women gave her a subtle ""Well....?"" She replied,
"My son is a handsome 6 foot 4 inch, hard-bodied Chippendale stripper.
Whenever he walks into a roomeveryone says 'My God'".
Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. Life is like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today may burn your ass tomorrow!!!!!!!
Love ya'll more than Anndi loves her luggage!
Friday, September 15, 2006
Thank God It's Friday
Thought for the day!
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates
Life is LIKE a jar of jalapenos
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!
Happy Friday all! My poor old aching body is telling me that it's glad that' it's Friday. My goal - SLEEP LATE TOMORROW! The very first person to wake me up will live to regret it! It had better be an emergency if you wake me up.
Tomorrow it's FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE!!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!
Kickoff is 7:00 cst with #13 Tennessee taking on *cough, gag, cough,gag* #7 Florida. GO VOLS!
Since the fair is in town, we have promised Kaitlin that we would take her and the boyfriend, Michael Saturday night. Now tell me, when did an 11 year old start having boyfriends? Heck, when I was 11, all I was thinking about was... hell, I don't even remember what I was thinking about. It's been too many years... LMOO But I am looking forward to the "Fair Food".... the official end of diet season.... the Footlong Corn Dogs, the Funnel Cakes, the Cotton Candy, and we can not forget the wonderful Caramel Apples.... yes the official end of diet season....
As I did yesterday, I am going to leave you today with a few more "Funnies" that I have received through e-mail. Sometimes I wonder where people come up with this stuff! Enjoy!
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITSDOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRSTCLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTONAND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH,I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON.
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard the buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked in a demanding tone, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied: "I'm watching the hockey game with my son-in-law."
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keepher feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating..sleeping..bitching or crying for no apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbiturates.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your ass!
P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?
AND FINALLY ------
THE WHY'S OF MEN!
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONEEGG?(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?(because their balls fall over their butt-hole andthey vapor lock)(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEATDOWN?(don't know..... it never happened)( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face andlaughter in your heart...... Then you are just an old sour fart (and you probably need to go back and read number 4 again)
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND ALL!
I love ya'll more than Anndi loves her luggage!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
|Well, I have decided that today will be "Funny Day". I am going to post some of the funniest e-mails that I have received. We all can use a good laugh every now and then! So here goes ----|
Is Underwear Important
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comesthis story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassy. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. You would think she would know her husbands leg?????
The Perfect Dress -
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothingcould dampen her excitement -- not even her parents'nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dressto wear and would be the best dressedmother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that herfather's new young wife had bought the exact samedress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step mom toexchange it, but she refused. "Absolutelynot! I look like a million bucks in this dress, andI'm wearing it," she replied.Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Nevermind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all,it's your special day."A few days later, they went shopping and did findanother gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch,Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to returnthe other dress? You really don't have anotheroccasion where you could wear it." Her mother justsmiled and replied, "Of course I do dear,I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.
"NOW I ASK YOU -IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOYTHIS STORY?
Exactly what I would do!
A TRUE SHONEY'S STORY - NO this is NOT me, but I am withholding the person's name to save her from further embarassment!
How many times do you wake up in the mornings and feel great! I mean absolutely great. You know what I’m talking about, those mornings when you wake up and you are feeling good mentally and physically. Where you look at yourself in the mirror and are proud that you don’t see so many bags under the eye’s or any of those tell-tell signs of aging. You know you are looking good when you leave the house and you are singing…”I feel pretty, I feel pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay, lalalalalalala”.
The morning was great for me that day ...I should have gone to the casino but opted to do the right thing and go to work. My hair was really looking terrific, my make-up went on perfectly…there was a spring in my step and today was going to be a good day!
I was feeling so good that I decided to really put on a show at work so I brought out a tan colored linen skirt and a tangerine silk blouse to wear. The clothes were not the unusual part…it was the shoes….it was those brown 3 inch alligator heels that were putting the final touches to my “knock ‘em-out” at work ensemble. To those that know me though, it doesn’t matter what I have on, pantyhose are not part of the wardrobe. I am like a caged mad woman when I wear pantyhose. I scratch, twitch, get big whelps on my skin and have been known at the end of the day to rip them off my body and throw them in the trash. Soooooooooooooo…throughout the years, I’ve worn pants or long skirts and dresses with knee highs. Nobody can see them, right? I had on THE perfect outfit, THE perfect shoes, hair and make-up were perfect and “I” was looking good! Knee highs and all!
My friend, Janice and I had decided that every Monday afternoon we were going to stop off at some restaurant, have a cup of coffee, maybe eat a meal and catch up on each other’s lives and families. Janice and I grew up together and with both of us being single and raising children there was ALWAYS something going on that we needed to catch up on with each other. This Monday afternoon we decided that we would stop off at the Shoney’s close to work and it was on the way home for both of us.
We chatted, ate supper, drank coffee…it was a good visit. Time was getting away though and we both needed to go to the grocery store. I said that she could go on ahead of me that I needed to run to the restroom so she left and I made a pit stop. By this time, I have to tell you that I was no longer feeling pretty. My feet were killing me and when my dogs are hurtin’, my whole body is hurtin’. I was ready to get home and put on some jeans, some sweats, anything that was comfy but I still had a last show to put on! I needed to hold my head up, strut my stuff one more time through the Shoney’s front counter area, out the door across the parking lot, in front of the glass windows of the restaurant and to my car. Hey…you never know who could be watching…my “Mister Right” could have been in Shoney’s!
I did my thing in the restroom, washed my hands, put on more lipstick and out the door I went. My biggest effort to walk like a peacock was in front of the glass windows of the restaurant. It was where most of the people in the restaurant were sitting so I really wanted to make a big impression, you know. WHEW..I made it to the car…one more step and I can take off the $*^$ shoes….open door, take hand to swipe my skirt under before I get in…..there was no skirt! Did you hear me….THERE WAS NO SKIRT! One side of my skirt had gotten crumpled up somehow in the waistband of my panties and slip and all I was swiping was SKIN!!!!! I had just walked across the entrance to Shoney’s, out across the entire parking lot, IN FRONT OF THE GLASS WINDOWS, to my car with the right cheek exposed to the world! AND MY KNEE HIGHS. There was nothing to do but get in my car and drive off. I couldn’t. I sat down in my car and threw myself over the steering wheel with hysterical laughter! I was imagining what ALL those people in Shoney’s were thinking about right now! Some were speechless…some were embarrassed for me…some were calling the waitress over because they had just spewed their food all over from laughing so hard. And Mister Right was thinking “not no but HELL NO”!
I managed to start my car and drive home but there were times when I thought I was going to have to pull off the side of the road because I was laughing so hard. For whatever reason, the next day I didn’t tell Janice about what happened. And no, it wasn’t because of embarrassment, I just honestly had let it go or so I thought. About three weeks later, Janice said, “Let’s go to Shoney’s”…I instantly said “NO”! She said, “Why not”, I said “No, we can never go to Shoney’s again. I have literally shown my ass in Shoney’s and we cannot ever return.” After telling her the story and almost having to call 911 because I think she stopped breathing because she was laughing so hard, we decided that the Waffle House would be our next stop and Shoney’s would have to wait for another year or two! By that time, the turn over in personnel would surely be new!!
I would NEVER EVER show my face in Shoney's again! Would you?
Will try and post some more funnies tomorrow....
Love ya'll more than Anndi loves her luggage!
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
The Famous Men of SP
The Damm Lurking Duck!
Oh, how we have missed the "Damm Lurking Duck"! How we have missed him breaking the boards, his teeny tiny print, the official SQUEEZING of the duck and the "duck" just being himself! We have let our Duckmaster Kits collect dust and our kiddie pools have become infested with algae.... all because our duck decided that he would "fly the coop". LOL. But NOW, our DUCK has decided to come home. woooooooooooooooooooo
I have done nothing in this world to deserve friends like you! (lol giving a hoot where a duck is) Thank you Tay for bringing us all together! says damm
CROSSING FINGERS & TOES THAT VINNY JUST "WOWS" THE CLIENTS IN MEMPHIS! WOOOOOOOOOOOO SENDING POSITIVE ENERGIES TO MEMPHIS!
Then there was - TAYLOR HICKS!
The reason that we ALL came together in the first place. This wonderful man. A man who can bring true soul back into music. A man who can move like no other. A man who makes grown women THUD! The man and his music! wooooooooo
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary defines friends as:
friends - one attached to another by affection or esteem.
Well that is fine and dandy, but I have a different defination of FRIENDS.
Friends - are special people.
Our friends can be as diverse and infinite as the adjectives we choose, Close friend, Best friend, Childhood friend, Intimate friend, Trusted friend, Beloved friend. Our friends, in a very real sense, reflect the choices we make in life.
I know that I have made bad choices in friends over the years and then I have made good choices. The bad choices I, in a way, can't regret because if I had not made those choices then I would have never know what a true and trusted friend is.
In our short lived life, we very seldom have "true" friends. The ones that we do have we should cherish with every waking moment.
I found two poems that I would like to share with you today.
by: Jodi Kenyon
A friend is someone true and for real,
A friend is someone who means a great deal.
A friend won't hurt you,
A friend won't lie,
A friend will never permanantly say good-bye.
A friend is there through the good times and bad,
A friend is there to cheer you up when your sad.
A friend is always there with a shoulder to cry on,
A friend is always there that you can rely on.
So, friend if you ever need someone honest and true,
Just remember ill always be here for you .
by: Lindsey Shirocky
Friends are there until the end,
They're always themselves, no pretend.
They're not afraid to be seen with you,
They will never betray you.
Friends never tell secrets they promise to keep,
they make you feel good about yourself in times of weep.
They come and cheer for you at your games,
In a friend there is no shame.
Friends are there to listen when you're depressed,
They are the people you should know best.
Friends are like presents you open again and again,
Always are with you through thick and thin.
Remember that it's not the QUANTITY of friends that you have. If you have just one friend, and that friend is a "true" friend then that is all that you need.
Thank you for reading my attempt at writing again today. Hopefully with time, I will become a better writer.
Monday, September 11, 2006
|I am not a writer. I am attempting this blog thing for the very first time.|
Today is a very sad day for everyone. I can remember it like it was yesterday, I started my morning routine, called my Dad to wish him Happy Birthday and headed out the door for my 45 minute commute to work. I remember where I was when I first heard the news of a plane crashing into the World Trade Center. I was sitting at a red light, listening to a local morning radio show, when Rusty Mac, who passed away a couple of years ago, said "A plane has just flown into the World Trade Center." I froze.... the light changed and I couldn't move. I remember someone honking their horn for me to go. The very first thought I had was, Oh Lord....how could this be possible. How could an experienced pilot not see the towers? Then I thought, could this be an act of terrorism? I rushed to work only to find those who had gotten to work before me already had heard the news and had the television on watching. As I stood there with the rest of my co-workers watching the first tower burn, I could not believe what I was about to witness. As the 2nd plane crashed into the 2nd building, my knees buckled and my heart broke. How could this be happening? Why? What monster is responsible for this? I cried, my heart went out to thousands of families and people that I would never know.
I called my Mom and Dad that morning asking them if they were watching tv. They were.... I told my Mom and Dad that I loved them.
Now as I sit here today, 5 years later, my heart still breaks. Not only is it a very sad day for the tragedy of 911, but a sad day for me. My Dad would have been 73 years old today. He passed away Sunday, September 3, 2006.
WE SHALL NEVER FORGET!
I love you Daddy!