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I'm a 40 something single mother of 2 - Matt, a United States Marine, who is married to the most beautiful girl in the world, Ashley and Kaitlin 14 going on 21, need I say more... two grandchildren, Tyler and Jordyn who is the applie of Mimi's eye... I have the most wonderful man in my life right now. Tony is my true soulmate. I am so happy with my life.... it can't get any better than this!

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Friday, September 15, 2006

T.G.I.F.
Thank God It's Friday
wooooooooooooooooooo
Thought for the day!
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates
Life is LIKE a jar of jalapenos
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!
Happy Friday all! My poor old aching body is telling me that it's glad that' it's Friday. My goal - SLEEP LATE TOMORROW! The very first person to wake me up will live to regret it! It had better be an emergency if you wake me up.
Tomorrow it's FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE!!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!
GO VOLS!
Kickoff is 7:00 cst with #13 Tennessee taking on *cough, gag, cough,gag* #7 Florida. GO VOLS!
Since the fair is in town, we have promised Kaitlin that we would take her and the boyfriend, Michael Saturday night. Now tell me, when did an 11 year old start having boyfriends? Heck, when I was 11, all I was thinking about was... hell, I don't even remember what I was thinking about. It's been too many years... LMOO But I am looking forward to the "Fair Food".... the official end of diet season.... the Footlong Corn Dogs, the Funnel Cakes, the Cotton Candy, and we can not forget the wonderful Caramel Apples.... yes the official end of diet season....
As I did yesterday, I am going to leave you today with a few more "Funnies" that I have received through e-mail. Sometimes I wonder where people come up with this stuff! Enjoy!
The Blonde
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITSDOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRSTCLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTONAND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH,I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON.
HOCKEY FAN?
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard the buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked in a demanding tone, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied: "I'm watching the hockey game with my son-in-law."
DEAR KOTEX!
Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keepher feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating..sleeping..bitching or crying for no apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbiturates.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your ass!
P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?
AND FINALLY ------
THE WHY'S OF MEN!
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONEEGG?(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?(because their balls fall over their butt-hole andthey vapor lock)(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEATDOWN?(don't know..... it never happened)( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face andlaughter in your heart...... Then you are just an old sour fart (and you probably need to go back and read number 4 again)
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND ALL!
I love ya'll more than Anndi loves her luggage!
Lee Ann
Proudly Brought to You by Dixie 8:32 AM


Comments on ""

 

Blogger Bond said ... (9/15/2006 4:25 PM) : 

I would like to know where the warning label is on this site.... It definitel warrents a PG rating!

Wondering if 11-year old kaitlin knows mommy is writing a blog with dirty words in it? LOLOL and bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah

 

Blogger Dana said ... (9/16/2006 6:07 AM) : 

ROTFLMOO! Great jokes!

 

Blogger Dixiechick said ... (9/16/2006 11:29 AM) : 

bwhahahahahahaha... No Bond... sweet innocent Kaitlin DOES NOT know about Mommy's blog.... hehehehe and she's not to know either... LMOO


Thanks Dana... always want to try and put a smile on someones face. You know, it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. ;-)

 

Blogger Maryfly said ... (9/16/2006 11:46 AM) : 

I needed a good laugh!! thanks Dixie baby!! *tacklehugs*

 

Anonymous damm said ... (9/18/2006 9:25 AM) : 

is the world really ready for this?????

Funny Stuff!!!!

 

Blogger Dixiechick said ... (9/18/2006 1:27 PM) : 

In response to Damm.....If not, then I'm going to "BLAME THE DUCK!" bwhahahahahahah

 

Anonymous Anndi said ... (9/19/2006 10:49 PM) : 

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My blonde joke made it on the BLOG!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Vapor Lock.. *snarf*

Here's a new blonde joke (sorry Turnbaby):

Got milk?

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he thought there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said "I found your note to
leave15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons?"

The blonde said "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with
milk and take a bath." The milkman asked "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said "No, just up to my boobs.

bwahahahahahahahahahahaha

 

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