Today's message ...

Every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back ... Today's Message of the Day is: Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance.... So with that being said I must make you laugh ... How to weigh yourself... I can't believe I've been doing it wrong all these years.... WE MUST GET THE WORD OUT!!!! A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY... If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted toget into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my collegefootball team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go aheadand give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with apersonal trainer named Belinda, who identifiedherself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when Iarrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and adazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my orkout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, athough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out thedoor. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into he air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly n the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile ade it all orthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning andwhen she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put meon the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposedas her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, aspunishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has everhated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&**barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health andnutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like thedrama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so Ican go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy. So now that I've made you laugh ... have a great weekend! SMOOCHES~