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I'm a 40 something single mother of 2 - Matt, a United States Marine, who is married to the most beautiful girl in the world, Ashley and Kaitlin 14 going on 21, need I say more... two grandchildren, Tyler and Jordyn who is the applie of Mimi's eye... I have the most wonderful man in my life right now. Tony is my true soulmate. I am so happy with my life.... it can't get any better than this!

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Friday, August 24, 2007

TGIF!!!

Yes, it's Friday... wooooooooooooooo

I am picking up Matt's best girl friend Samantha today and she is spending the weekend with us. She so misses Matt... I think she just wants to sleep in his bed...

Go ANOTHER letter from Matt yesterday. Two letters in one week... I don't know how to act.. ;-)

Momma,

Today was pretty easy, we had church, then after church we had drill and of course people were screwing up so we went to the sand pit. Everyone said sand fleas are bad... I've only been bit by one and that was at PT one morning. I need you to call SSGT S and ask him about my promoition to PFC if I got it or not. Now about me getting a new vechicle before I go to North Carolina. I want to get an SUV or some kind of a full size truck extended cab. So just look around for me. I don't want a Ford though and try to find a 4 x 4 or Z71 or a newer model Blazer. Anyway I gotta go do I can do some stuff around the squadbay.

Love y'all
Matt

Now remember I am typing his letters exactly as he has written them.

I will try and get pictures of Kaitlin's game last night up next week. I forgot the cord this morning.

Desert Songbird made a very interesting comment on my blog last Friday, one that really got my attention. Well, wouldn’t it get yours? As I had told her I would do some investigation and that is exactly what I did. Now we all know that Yes, one does burn calories during sex… but just how many calories does one burn.

Calories Burned During Sex

The Act of Insertion
If the man is ready (same vice-versa) 174 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa) 274 calories
________________________________________

Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size – 22 calories
Oversize – 15 calories
Tremendous – 8 calories
Teensy-weensy – 163 calories (WTF???)

Now what a minute guys… I didn’t write this. This is after investigation. So don’t blame me.
________________________________________

Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) – 20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom – 25 calories
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) Ummmm how many times have you looked at the clock?? ;-)
From the rear (Mysterious variation) – 40 ½ calories
Standing: Both partners of equal height – 18 calories
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man – 90 calories
Does this one call for shoes???
While in traction – 124 calories
(very useful during ski season)
________________________________________

Locations:
On a bar stool – 20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic – 38 calories
In a phone booth, standing – 14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down – 274 calories
On an airplane, aisle seat – 24 calories
On an airplane, middle seat – 42 calories
On an airplane, in the lavatory – 100 calories
________________________________________

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing – 7 calories
Sliding around – 9 calories
Serious Skidding – 12 calories
Full cartwheel – 20 calories
Whiplash – 27 calories
Knee burn – 6 calories
Chafed elbows – 5 calories
Chafed nose – 11 calories
________________________________________

Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp) – 3 calories
Wheezing – 5 calories
Squeals – 4 calories
Estatic moaning – 11 calories
Low growling – 8 calories
Squishing – 10 calories
Shouting – 16 calories
Screaming – 18 calories
Urgent begging – 22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions – 25 calories
(“Please don’t stop” “Faster” “Just a little more” are common examples)
________________________________________

Approaching Orgasm

Letting go – 5.5 calories
Controlling yourself – 79 calories
Digging nails into your partner’s back – 11 calories
Trembling – 15 calories
Shaking – 20 calories
Shuddering – 25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open – 33 calories
________________________________________

Orgasm - This is very important
Real – 27 calories
Faked – 160 calories
________________________________________

Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didn’t change 1/2 calorie
Face turned purple – 15 calories
Orchestra swelled – 6 calories
Magical explosions – 10 calories
Blazing sheets – 25 calories
Earth moved – 30 calories
Vesuvius erupted – 47 calories
You began moaning in Latin – 60 calories
________________________________________

Pulling Out
After orgasm – 1/4 calories
A few moments before orgasm – 500 calories
________________________________________

Multiple Orgasms

For women:
2 – 14 calories
5 – 30 calories
8 – 47 calories
Depending on greed, a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without loosing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped.

For men:
2 – 21 calories
3 – 39 calories
4 – 57 calories

For a man, it’s a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.

Oh believe me there is a lot more. I am having to break it up into two parts. I didn't want to overload y'all with too much information. Just let me know when you want part 2.. ;-)

Have a great weekend!

SMOOCHES
Proudly Brought to You by Dixie 8:12 AM


Comments on ""

 

Blogger Crazy Working Mom said ... (8/24/2007 10:02 AM) : 

Glad to see you got another letter from Matt! :)

The sexual calorie burning session was a hoot! Very enjoyable. Hubby will be happy to hear this. :)

 

Blogger Linda said ... (8/24/2007 10:12 AM) : 

Matt's been doing great in the letter-writing department!

As for the calories burned during sex - I guess that explains my weight problem as I haven't had sex in 4-1/2 very long years!

 

Blogger Special K ~Toni said ... (8/24/2007 10:15 AM) : 

Haven't had sex myself in two LONG months (deployment)- must be getting fatter!

Thanks for the info!

 

Blogger Anndi said ... (8/24/2007 11:22 AM) : 

I'll let you know after this weekend... ;)

**brushes up on Latin**

 

Blogger Desert Songbird said ... (8/24/2007 12:14 PM) : 

Dixie, I had NO idea that a wee comment from me would send you in search of such wonderfully detailed information. My first thought on this is, "How in the hell does one lie down in a phone booth to perform sexual intercourse?!"

Also, did you notice one burns more calories by faking an orgasm rather than actually having one? Gee, I guess I need to fake it more...NAAAAAA! Better to be overweight and sexually satisfied than skinny and frustrated!

 

Blogger Sandee (Comedy +) said ... (8/24/2007 12:23 PM) : 

Bwahahah. I just never think of how many calories I'm burning. More important issues to deal with. What a hoot though. Nice letter from Matt. You have a wonderful weekend girlfriend. :) Smooches!

 

Blogger Mushy said ... (8/24/2007 12:59 PM) : 

Well, this is going to take some research before I believe it! I'll get back with ya!

 

Blogger Turnbaby said ... (8/24/2007 1:18 PM) : 

Hehehe

What if you scream in French?

WOOOOOOOO

 

Blogger Meribah said ... (8/24/2007 5:45 PM) : 

When do I want it??? I want it NOW!!!!! RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!! GIMME GIMME GIMME! Um, that didn't really sound right, did it? LOL :P

 

Blogger Lois Grebowski said ... (8/24/2007 6:55 PM) : 

(blush)

 

Blogger Travis said ... (8/24/2007 7:44 PM) : 

I'm tired, grumpy, and cranky. But I'm willing to set that aside to do some important field research this weekend in support of your statistics. Heehee!

Another great letter from your recruit.

 

Blogger Mimi Lenox said ... (8/24/2007 8:17 PM) : 

The letter is precious. I know this brings you comfort. We are all so proud!!

The sex calories....hmm.....this entire post cracked me up. Celibacy is so overrated.

 

Blogger Mimi Lenox said ... (8/24/2007 8:18 PM) : 

P.S. With all these bloggers doing "research" I might as well shut down Bloggingham Palace until Monday. Thanks, Dixie!!

 

Blogger Starrlight said ... (8/24/2007 11:22 PM) : 

Sex was the only exercise program I could ever really get into :P

 

Blogger Debs said ... (8/26/2007 6:38 AM) : 

I want to know who is really thinking of burning calories while having sex?

The research sounds like fun. :)

Great post! :D

 

Blogger lala said ... (8/26/2007 1:40 PM) : 

and here i just spend $84 on running shoes. my mistake!

 

Blogger Dixiechick said ... (8/27/2007 7:22 AM) : 

great letter Dixie....

I know it makes you feel more relaxed and secure receiving them...

 

Blogger Bond said ... (8/27/2007 10:38 AM) : 

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

I WAS fixing your blog and then posted as you above... bwahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha

sorry, no comments on the rest of the information... I do not know what that stuff is

 

Blogger Julie said ... (8/28/2007 7:09 AM) : 

Faking it uses up more calories then acutally HAVING one?

Wooo baby!

 

Blogger Dana said ... (8/29/2007 8:22 PM) : 

Whut's an orgasm? Is this something I'm supposed to know about?

 

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