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I'm a 40 something single mother of 2 - Matt, a United States Marine, who is married to the most beautiful girl in the world, Ashley and Kaitlin 14 going on 21, need I say more... two grandchildren, Tyler and Jordyn who is the applie of Mimi's eye... I have the most wonderful man in my life right now. Tony is my true soulmate. I am so happy with my life.... it can't get any better than this!

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Monday, November 06, 2006

Jokes, jokes and a few more jokes


I'm having a terrible case of writers block tonight. It's rainy and damp and cold and I'm fixin to go to bed and crawl under my electric blanket and watch television until I fall asleep. Here are a few chuckles for this yucky Monday...

I received this joke from little sis Duckles...

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had three breasts.

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How are things, Eve?" He asked.

"It's all so beautiful, God," she replied, "The sunrises and the sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have this one little problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain!"

"That's a fair criticism," God said, "but it was my first time creating a human, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I thought you'd just need half that number, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that right away!"

So God reached down and yanked the middle breast right off, and threw it into the bushes.

Three more weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.

"Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small thing. You see, I noticed that all the animals you made are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone," and she begins to cry.

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!

Now, let's see ... where did I leave that useless boob?"



Another from Duckles -

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline."Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front."What are my choices?" John asked."Yes or no," she replied

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." (Can you say low blow????) LMOO

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." (Here's your sign)

SMART ASS ANSWER #3>

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. (This sounds like something Matt would say)

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up thatreads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas. (Here's your sign, again)

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class,I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." (BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Not for sure who I received this from but....


How to Shower like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in shower, Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How to Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower wash your face, wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair, make a shampoo mohawk, pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. avoid bathmat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again, shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again!!

Throw wet towel on bed.


Love y'all!
SMOOCH, HUGS & GROPES
Proudly Brought to You by Dixie 6:24 PM


Comments on ""

 

Blogger Turnbaby said ... (11/07/2006 12:13 PM) : 

"admire weiner"LOLOLOL yup yup yup

 

Blogger Coco said ... (11/07/2006 10:07 PM) : 

Laughed so hard, I nearly fell of the piano bench.

 

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