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I'm a 40 something single mother of 2 - Matt, a United States Marine, who is married to the most beautiful girl in the world, Ashley and Kaitlin 14 going on 21, need I say more... two grandchildren, Tyler and Jordyn who is the applie of Mimi's eye... I have the most wonderful man in my life right now. Tony is my true soulmate. I am so happy with my life.... it can't get any better than this!

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Friday, January 26, 2007



Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 42nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner and then body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution:


when you zap yourself!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles and offering a significant reward for their safe return.

The Internet Police have blocked my access so I can not post or comment only read and I will probably be going over to LiveJournal. I will let everyone know when that happens.
Proudly Brought to You by Dixie 11:10 AM

Comments on ""


Blogger busy91 said ... (1/26/2007 10:36 AM) : 

ROFL! You find the funniest stuff!


Blogger Maryfly said ... (1/26/2007 10:37 AM) : 

OMG!! *wipes away the tears* freakin' hysterical!!


Blogger Bond said ... (1/26/2007 1:01 PM) : 

OK... I am so NOT like this guy (if he even exists)..i woulda used it on the cat


Blogger Turnbaby said ... (1/26/2007 2:51 PM) : 

I love this

*smacking Bondbaby for the cat remark*


Blogger Meribah said ... (1/26/2007 4:31 PM) : 

Bwaaaahahahahahahha! I've read this before, but I SO enjoyed reading it again! Only a man would think to use a taser on himself...a woman would be smarter than that! LOL


Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said ... (1/26/2007 4:44 PM) : 

honey i THOUGHT i saw something under that table and i was right, it's a testicle. just one though. sigh... don't know where the other one is... bee


Blogger Linda said ... (1/26/2007 5:08 PM) : 

I've read this one before, too, but it's so darned funny that it's definitely worth a second or even a third read!

Ah well, at least he KNOWS it works!


Blogger Sarge Charlie said ... (1/26/2007 6:31 PM) : 

I did not read it, the comments are enough scare me...


Blogger Sarge Charlie said ... (1/26/2007 6:40 PM) : 

Well i did read it and am horrified that someone would be stupid enough to do that,Do we know if he is missing the left or right


Blogger Sarge Charlie said ... (1/26/2007 6:42 PM) : 

Hi, i have a war going on at my place with mr bud wiser, no blood yet....


Blogger julie said ... (1/27/2007 12:27 AM) : 

Yup Dixie..this is a good one!

What's this about you not being able to post or comment?

Are the AI mods watching?


Blogger Dana said ... (1/27/2007 10:29 AM) : 

Didn't we decide on TOOSP that this was Bond?


Blogger Anndi said ... (1/27/2007 11:47 AM) : 

This one never gets old... and yes.. if you're going to try it out.. the cat would be the best alternative LMOO!


Blogger SGT DUB said ... (1/28/2007 9:33 AM) : 

I had to stop mid way from reading as I was crying and laughing too hard to finish. I actually started laughing around the first sentence, for, as a guy myself, new were this was leading.


Blogger amy said ... (1/29/2007 11:09 AM) : 

You once posted on our adoption blog and I wanted to say thanks. This is a wonderful blog and I am so glad I got a laugh today..thanks so much


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